October 22, 2004
A SORDID CONFESSION
I bought that speculum. Well, I bought a speculum. I believe that sick bastard has more than one. One would think he was a medical supply salesman or something.
Hey. I couldn't afford not to buy it. That's 100% surgical stainless steel, peeps. Now the burning question of my time is: will I ever get to use it? I got a resounding nyet from the War Department.
I tell you, though, I may just set up an unlicensed OB/GYN clinic right here in the Velocihovel. Well, on second thought, scratch that obstetrics part. I don't know nothin' about birthin' no babies. The rest is second nature, however.
Who's your daddy? Who wants a Pappy smear?
You know, this could actually be pretty lucrative, and... oh. I love that word. In fact, I believe I'm going to drop my current hip hop persona, Illiterit, and go with Lukrativ.
Yeah.
Dr. Lukrativ is now accepting patients. And he craves some spinning rims to pimp his ride.
You are farking insane, Vman. That said, searching the backwaters of EBay can be loads of fun. A friend of mine picked up a nice bone saw there. That's always a nice conversation piece, too...
Posted by: zonker at October 22, 2004 6:51 PMI'm hereby revoking your privilege to call anyone else a sick bastard.
I cringe.
You do realize what follows a speculum insertion? ...a good cervix scraping. ewugghh.
(There's gonna be a negative association there; we just can't help that.)
Posted by: Key at October 22, 2004 6:57 PMHey, this is a "willing parties" site. And sometimes mere observation can be fun, too.
Posted by: Velociman at October 22, 2004 7:04 PMCan a hemorrhoidal-suction ligator be far behind?
Posted by: Jim - PRS at October 22, 2004 7:27 PM..Jesus, man.. and, to think... I bumped breasts with you...
Posted by: Eric at October 22, 2004 7:40 PM"Behind" you say, Jim?
Posted by: Velociman at October 22, 2004 8:42 PMDidja ever see that movie, "Dead Ringers"? Jeremy Irons plays twin brothers, psychotic, drug addicted gynecologists. There's this one scene where one of the brothers has all these bizarre stainless-steel surgical instruments made up and...aw hell. Those who've seen it will know. For a lady, the stuff of nightmares.
Not, though, much unlike the thought of Velociman on the other end of the stirrups...
"Turn yer head and cough. No, wait, wrong parts...umm, smile for Veloicdaddy?"
I'm just sayin'.
Posted by: kelley at October 23, 2004 12:58 AMWell, I want to know what size you ended up buying. You know, they come in all manner of sizes, V-man. Everything from "Maidenhead Protector" to "Post-Birth Hippo".
This could be more interesting than you originally thought. Kinda like Pelvic Cinderella Search.
Posted by: Mamamontezz at October 23, 2004 3:39 PMI had no idea I was supposed to get a particular size. I have no idea what I bought. Hopefully it's the Rosie O'Donnell model, because there is a fevered beefalo lurking in my neighborhood.
Posted by: Velociman at October 24, 2004 12:02 AMI used to get the disposable plastic ones. I used them, together with yellow flannel, to make duck puppets.
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