September 23, 2004
I am a Victim
My penmanship absolutely sucks. It is so bad when I write I generally print, and in all caps, LIKE AN ASSHOLE E-MAILER!! My penmanship sucks not because I lack dexterity, or diligence. It is simply due to the fact I am left-handed. There is no way to make script flow writing with a left hand.
Lefties are the last true victims of discrimination. Everything is designed for a right-handed world. Even as a child, by the time I got my mother off her ass to buy me some left-handed scissors I'd already learned to use regular ones. Just as I learned to do a lot of things right handed, like hit a baseball, or a golf ball, or strum a guitar, or use a can opener. That's right. Fucking can openers are right handed.
Even the automobile is designed for a rightie, except for those crazy Limeys. Shifting, control knobs, fingering a little poontang are all designed for the right-handed majority (the Vile Oppressors, I call them). Although I did learn the poontang thing with my right hand pretty quickly. I'm not bitching about that.
Skeeter is a leftie, and her penmanship is as poor as mine. I explained to her that Leonardo Da Vinci was a southpaw, and he retaliated by writing all of his journals and diaries in backwards script, right to left. You have to hold them to a mirror to read them. Or, in my case, you'd have to learn Italian, or Latin, as well. She was unimpressed. I believe the child is a confirmed slob at 11.
Being left-handed sucks the bone, and I'm not through whining yet, so shut the hell up.
I'm also a Certified Dual Victim, as well. Rumour has it I have Indian blood in me. Could be. My face turns red in the sun, but that might be the result of Ten High bourbon abuse, rather than melanin issues. And, in fact, that's my Indian name: Billy Ten High. I bestowed that moniker on my brother-in-law, but he didn't like it for some insane reason, so I ungifted his ass of such a fine sobriquet.
Now I want the State of Georgia to bequeath me 15 or 20 acres in North Georgia, preferably adjacent to the town of Young Harris. There I will erect a splendid casino. I'll skim 10% off the top, pay the staff with 15%, give the blackhearted bastards at the Georgia Department of Revenue their bloodsucking 30%, and spread the rest around to members of my tribe. The tribe will consist of anyone who can authenticate their Indianness by reciting a cool Indian name, like Vomits With Aplomb, or Breaks Like the Wind, or Two Dogs Fucking. "Mingo" is unacceptable. "Seasons With Afterbirth" is acceptable.
There. My sense of entitlement is temporarily sated. I'm going to Ebay, as I'm going to need a whole shitload of poker chips.
Update: Some northpaws are apparently intimidated by the gauche among us, and lash out in fear, and terror. Having suckled at the Right World Teat all their lives they are unwilling to admit how easy they've had it. Pussies.
.. once, long ago, during a drunken evening with my in-laws, the idea of giving each other Indian names came up... mine?.. the Father-in-law giveth me Young Bull Shitting... and, I must admit, I kinda like it... it stings of authenticity... oh, and I'm 1/8th Cherokee, and 1/8 Choctaw... but, sadly, I don't gamble... just drink..
Posted by: Eric at September 23, 2004 8:10 PMI'm a lefty... well when it comes to how I write and eat. But a "righty" for all things other, politics included. I agree completely with the bias in the world to righties. Shit, I'm still looking for the following, but EBAY doesn't seem to have ANY of them.
Left Handed Baseball bat
Left Handed Tennis Racket
Left Handed Darts
Left Handed Beer Mug(MUST HAVE)
Left Handed Tire Iron(trunk monkey is left handed)
Left Handed Jeans. (why do I have to zip up with the right hand?)
Left Handed Woman. I have a right handed woman but she's all bakerds.
There's probably more I need thats left handed but crap, Christmas is coming and you gotta get your short list ready.
My Indian name: Firewater Redneck Hung Low
Posted by: BryanH at September 23, 2004 8:52 PMMay I be in your tribe?
/s/ Great Wind of the Bowels
..damn, Bryan, and Jim..... Jim, I would have expected more from you... but, both of y'all's Indian names suck... Luke the Gap, your NJ Mobster Ancest... well, he's spinning in his grave, kemosabee.. and, Bryan?.... that's just wrong, man.... you both should be ashamed of yourselves... besides, you KNOW your relatives made those blankets that bore the smallpox.. a pox be upon ye both... you bastards.. you both owe me a beer...
Posted by: Eric at September 23, 2004 10:12 PMHow about "Great Fucking Wind of the Bowels?" Better?
Posted by: Jim - PRS at September 23, 2004 11:05 PMYou inspire me, V-Man: you can call me Eater of Placenta. Or is that reserved only for our 4-legged brethren?
Fine. Then I shall be known as Chief Smokes-A-Lot.
Posted by: david at September 23, 2004 11:24 PMI was watching Cspan RE: some recognition for Indian Code Talkers on the Mall in DC. One of the indians was named Bob Wolfguts.
I shit you not.
Posted by: wes jackson at September 24, 2004 2:54 AMI'm left handed as well, and it has only come in handy one time in my 48 years. Both my children are right handed, so their father had to teach them to tie their shoes. I'm also part Cherokee, and look it to a certain extent. As far as a name goes, I'd have to go with Twisted Sissy Dawg. It doesn't make sense to you, but my sisters would be dying of laughter.
Posted by: Denise at September 24, 2004 3:01 AMYou poor thing....come on...we all know lefties are better lovers....because they have to work at that damn right-handed G-Spot....
Posted by: Sadie at September 24, 2004 3:02 AMI guess your not talking about Abdul the Indian that works down at the local gas and go. That blue dot thing must be a bitch to take care of. I quit being an American Indian, when they took my name away it was" Man who woman holds by ears as she screams".
Posted by: James Old Guy at September 24, 2004 9:27 AMBeing left-handed has taught me how to adapt, which in the end makes me a better person than all those inflexible right-handed fuckers. And it's an advantage in sports, because people are so used to things being done one way that they don't know what to expect when ambushed by a left-hander.
Posted by: sugarmama at September 24, 2004 12:47 PMI'm left-handed and my penmanship is beautiful. Maybe it's just you. ;-P
Posted by: Juliette at September 24, 2004 1:48 PMBig Chief Geechee-Goomi here. Can I deal blackjack?
Posted by: mike at September 24, 2004 5:35 PMAnother lefty here. We are under appreciated, and when the rest of the world wakes up to our genetic superior way of doing things. They will tremble. Why just look at the bias out there...if you are conservative in nature, and want the guv'ment to leave you in peace...you are considered to be on the *right*...if you are a moonbat kool aid drinker...yep you are on the *left*. That is as blatant a case of discrimination as one could hope to find. We should rise up and demand restitution!
Posted by: Guy S. at September 24, 2004 5:41 PMI'm with you Juliette...a born leftie but my penmanship is excellent. I can and will match anyone's calligraphy and/or quill writing. You lefties who think you're losers probably are ONLY because you think you are. Yes, its true, we are what we think we are. That's all we can be. Tis' the bloody England way afterall.
Posted by: Ross P. at February 15, 2008 3:36 PM