Velociworld

A Case for Mutants

One of my favorite cyclists, Tyler Hamilton, is being investigated for blood doping. For shame, Ty. Doping is, of course, agin the rules.

And yet...

Why should performance enhancing drugs be against the rules of sport? If athletes don't respect their bodies, why should I? Furthermore, professional athletes are the carnival freaks of our day. They're bread and circuses, come to entertain us. Why shouldn't we be entertained by the very best?

Are drugs banned in order to keep the players "pure"? What for, so we can then despoil their pure natures by betting on them? I say let 'er rip.

Case in point: look at Barry Bonds, an obvious case of a steroid abuser amok. He's also an asshole of the first degree, but people don't go to the ballpark to see a grinning fool. They go to see a mutated monster beat the piss out of a baseball. Why not see what the market will bear? If everyone started doping you'd see some real freaks. Very well paid freaks. Worth the price of destoying their bodies. Look at those old football players from the fifties and sixties. Knees shot, crippled at 40. Couldn't exercise, got fat and died young of heart attacks and booze. What the difference?

So why not take it a step farther? Modern science is a wonderful thing, and it's a Brave New World out there. Think: why would anyone want to go see a guy try to beat the long jump record of 29 feet 4 inches by a quarter of an inch when he could go watch a muto with kangaroo legs grafted onto his torso try to beat last week's record of 52 feet by 2 feet? I'd pay plenty to see that.

It'd be, like, totally fucking insane!

Can you imagine what a person with an orangutang arm could do with a javelin, or a fastball?

I'm also betting the dude with the blowhole and flippers kicks ass in the swimming portion of the triathalon.

It's up to the docs at this point, because we all know there are crazy bastards willing to be the first basketball player with a prehensile tail to hang from the hoops after a particularly vicious slamdunk. And if scientists will do boring things like clone sheep, you know they'll be all over this Doctor Moreau shit like blowflies on a turd.

I'd love to be at the premiere game of the Memphis Mutoids versus the Frankfort Frankenfiends, myself.