June 23, 2004
Fearless Leaders
Aren't the Republicans the most wretched stewards of conservatism one could imagine? When they're in the minority they are positively Burkean in their eloquent appeals to fiscal restraint, laissez-faire capitalism, and self-help. Then as soon as they are in power they morph into sailors in Tijuana with a 48 hour pass. Porking the porking pork. Listen: I don't want any more fish hatcheries in my state, or highway demonstration projects, or purple pills for the oldsters. I don't even want you to teach Little Johnny to read. I'll take care of that. I want some more daisy cutters for my boys. I want some of that fancy new body armor. If you must have a demonstration project how about funding a right-wing death squad in Burgundy? It's bad enough being a Southerner and having to pull the lever for the Reconstruction Party.
Imagine that. Thousands of conquering soldiers encamped in your neighborhoods for ten years, issuing diktats on everything from sanitation to blacksmithing. I can see the colonel now:
Alright, folks, we're going to have an election. Everybody has to vote, and the only candidate we've qualified is this Negro fellow I found down by the bogs. What's your name, sir?
Chicken George.
What is your platform, Mr. George?
I Likes White Wimmen.
Have you ever considered the Senate, sir? There's a lot of that going on.
It was probably like, like, Iraq! That's it! Bush is a Carpetbagger! Rumsfeld is a Scalawag! It's all about peanut oooiiilll!!!
Damn. Where was I? Yes. The GOP. A sorry lot when they get the keys to the government liquor cabinet. At least they know how to kick Third World ass, and that is worth a pretty penny or two.