May 15, 2004
My Little Pony
I finally figured out, after lacerating myself for three days, that a 16 foot bullwhip is meant to be used when one is astride a fucking horse. There's no way you can wield this puppy on the ground floor.
This means I must endure the added expense of buying a frigging hossie, boarding it and feeding it, grooming it and doctoring it, just so I can crack the tail.
Or I can erect a faux horse in the backyard out of two by fours, replete with saddle and yarn skein mane, and play cowboy all afternoon, to the consternation of my children and neighbors.
Both of these scenarios reek of suboptimal outcome, of course. Perhaps instead I can stand on the roof, take a hit of red liquor, crack smart a few times, and sing the Rawhide theme. That appeals to me, unless of course I fall onto a recently paved yard.