May 3, 2004
Charlton Heston, Swinger
I'm a great fan of Heston's, but he's made some real shit movies in his time. He is miscast in these movies as something of a disaffected stud. It's laughable. The first one I remember is Number One (1969), wherein Chuck is a washed up quarterback for the New Orleans Saints. Pitiful film. It's been many years since I saw it, but I seem to remember Chuck swilling a lot of booze and glowering at his wife (Jessica Walter), and snarling "I'm having an affair! Are you happy?" Then he would go fuck his mistress.
Another classic, of course, was Earthquake! (1974) Chuck was the kept man architect, of course, and I seem to remember him swilling booze and glowering at his wife (Ava Gardner), and snarling "I'm having an affair! Are you happy?" Then he would go fuck his mistress.
I'm a go along guy, of course, and can forgive Chuck these lapses. It was the sixties, and seventies, and est and primal scream and Sexual Revolution had taught everyone to Get It Out In The Open, Man. Be real, man. Don't hide behind those old bourgeois hangups, man. But it's still laughable shit. I can't picture any of my homies Getting Real with the bride, man. Not that they are necessarily more chaste than Chuck, which I wouldn't know, nor care to know, but I would imagine they would swill down some liquor and then sew their mouths shut with twine, like a shrunken head, then go see their mistress. That seems to be a better formula in the great race for survival, at any rate.
Yeah, I generally scream "It's a madhouse! A madhouse!" when I see these films. I've also been known to scream "Soylent Green is Chuck Heston's agent!"