February 9, 2004
REVERSE ENGINEERING
Well, actually, this isn't about reverse engineering per se. True RE is like when godless heathen communist Pole-rapers get their hands on three of your sweet B-29's in Vladivostok in 1944 and then flaunt the bastard clone Tupolev Tu-4 at the 1947 Moscow Aviation Day parade.
Now we can drop the atoms bombs on you too, pigs, as soon as Ethelina and Julianovich and Klausovich delivers the plans! And then we gets Moose and Squirrel!
No, this is that special breed of reverse engineering, courtesy of Detroit.
I have a 2000 Blazer with 82,000 miles. Yep, I'm a 20k a year guy on a vehicle. Just can't help it. Places to go, man. So at about 40k I start asking my "mechanic", Tire Dude, to start checking the brakes when he rotates. No problem with them, I just figure, shit, I'm used to going through some pads. I tend to brake hard.
S'okay, dude, I'm told and told. Plenty of life on those things. Four-wheel disc brakes are da bomb, man.
Now at 80k I'm getting some vibration on braking, so I figure Tire Dude's fucked up. I go to Brake Dude. Brake Dude informs me Tire Dude's right. Still have 20k left on the pads. But the ROTORS are worn the fuck out. Got that? The PADS lasted longer than the rotors.
"Shitpiss, dude, them hunnert thousand mile pads. They's like cubit zircumference. Cain't wear them shitpissers out!"
Seems GM got the brilliant idea to make their pads out of some exotic polymer of ceramic, kryptonite, and venom-of-mother-in-law, and they last forever. While they're steadily chewing through your discs like those freaking time-munchers in The Langoliers.
Nice. So instead of burning through a $50 set of Raybestos pads once a year I get to replace my front rotors for $260. Rear rotors will be $460. They can wait, at least until I go back to Tire Dude next week to second-opinion Brake Dude's work. Imagine. I ingest pharmaceuticals into my body without a second opinion from another physician, but I must have a second opinion from one retard on the professionalism of another retard on my fugging truck.
In the old days I would have just jacked the thing up, pulled the tires, had a looksee. Not that that would change anything, other than the fact I'd be prepared for this tomfoolery. But I don't do that crap anymore. I pay Tire Dude and Brake Dude to do that for me. I may only be worth 50 bucks an hour professionally, but my leisure time is worth at least $250. If I were working on restoring a C2 convertible 'Vette, that'd be one thing. That would be fun. But to spend that time getting all fucked up on a weekend over a mere beast of conveyance? A criminal waste of my time.
What an asinine concept. Pads that outlast the rotor. That's like having an indestructible bar of soap that won't wear out, but it removes three layers of epidermis every washing. Wait. They have that. It's called Lava.