January 26, 2004
Quandary
I need a woman's perspective on a problem that's been vexing me of late...
I'm meeting my cyber-angel at a local hotel in two weeks. I'm very excited. We've been trading e-mails for more than a month now and clearly the time is right for a tryst.
During our cyber courtship, I might have casually mentioned that my dick is 12 inches long, with the circumference of a Pringles can. I felt like that was a pretty good estimate at the time.
Well, yesterday, I dug some measuring tape out of my girlfriend's sewing machine. (It's one of those old Singer jobs with the wrought iron treadle. My girlfriend claims she's gonna strip it, refinish it, and do the treadle in gold leaf. Couldn't you just vomit? Like this apartment needs some more cutesy Laura Ashley crap.)
Anyway, according to the measuring tape, some of my earlier estimates may have been a wee bit optimistic. Do you think I should shoot her an e-mail in advance or just try my luck at the ole Marriott?
I brought this up with my girlfriend over dinner last night (purely as a hypothetical, of course), but she didn't seem to have a strong opinion one way or another. Instead, she just kept talking about our waiter and how he had the same kind of eyebrows as her first boyfriend. (The things women remember!) He had that verdant Peter Gallagher growth that threatens to eclipse the forehead. And then she gets all dreamy and starts down this horrible stream of consciousness nostalgia path...eighth grade...Sadie Hawkins dance...wrist corsage...strapless...tulle...Tina Appling let some guy feel her up...awkward kiss...Steve Miller Band......the mean lady in charge of the cheerleading squad... rigorous diet plan...blah blah blah.
And then she gets that far-away look in her eye that means a woman is comparing you with an old boyfriend and the scales aren't tipping in your direction. You can't win one of those, fellas. So she completely forgot about my question. She can be very selfish sometimes.
I could definitely use some advice. Don't let it consume your waking hours or anything. I've already got an out. I can always claim I had penile reduction surgery cause the weight was starting to hurt my back. That's been my best idea so far.
But I'm open to any suggestions that make me look good. Thanks in advance