January 24, 2004
Velocivacillation
Lord have mercy, but I feel like the Queen of Sheba here, all slung up in Velociheaven. Kim axed me if I would come by and do some guest-blogging while he's off conquering the mountain, and since he accompanied the request with a lid of that good shit Rob brought back from Jamaica in his shorts, I was only too happy to comply.
I'm just the teensiest bit nervous, I must admit. Kim is one of my favorites, and I want to be worthy of the honor, I just don't think I have enough original stories of my fucked-up and Faulknerianly twisted Deep-South upbringing prepared to do this thang justice. Although...
...I reckon I could tell y'all about the time that my great-aunt Helen pretended that her only son Dougie was mentally retarded, in order to outdo her sister's family, who had just lost their breadwinner. But that would necessitate explaining the Outdo and the Outsick, the byzantine Potlatch of pain that my mom's side of the family indulges in for fun and kicks, and that'd be one long post. Poor Dougie; Helen's been dead these many years and half of eastern North Carolina still thinks he's a retard. Life's a bitch.
I guess it doesn't have to be a family story; I suppose some UGA stuff would do as well...did I ever tell you about the time that I got banned from the campus of Young Harris college? No? Well, too bad; I just remembered that my lawyer told me not to talk about that. Ummm....ooh, have I told you the one about dancing naked down Main Street of Crawfordville, Georgia back in '93, high as a kite and singing Patsy Cline at the top of my lungs?
Shit, I can't tell you about that either, because of the restraining order...hmm. I must admit, I'm stumped. Well, it's time for plan B. A cleavage picture should do the trick.
That's cleavage, all right.
What? I didn't say it was going to be my cleavage...!
Posted by kelley at January 24, 2004 9:04 PM