December 19, 2003
FIRESTARTERS
Most guys I know are secure enough in their masculinity that they can take a poke or prod to their egos over their ability to do traditionally "masculine" things. I'm the same way.
Know a better way to jimmie out that stuck shock absorber? Let me stand back so you can show me how, ma'am.
You can show me an easier way to secure that crown molding before I nail it? Lead on, bubba.
There is ONE area, however, where men brook no kibitzing, tolerate no back seat driving: starting a fire. More significantly, starting a fire in the woods. Men are natural born pyromaniacs, innate arsonists. Fire is in their bloodstream, it swells their nutsacks (well, that is a different problem. Perhaps I overextended the metaphor).
At any rate, if you want to infuriate a man, suggest his faggy little tepee of twigs will never kindle, his use of pine straw is rank amateurism, his stacking methodology is suspect. You, my friend, will have a fight on your hands. This is why when guys go camping there is an unspoken posturing around the loading and unloading of the vehicles, because each man wants to be shed of his burden in order to be the Firestarter.
It is ineluctably written that you cannot mock or question another man's firestarting, and, since you are obviously the best firestarter since Prometheus brought spark to shivering hominids it is your duty to claim the firestarting responsibilities. Otherwise you'll have to bite your tongue, shove your hands in your pockets, and swallow bile while the other guy attempts to start the fire, the poor nancy-boy. Look at his style. That method! It'll never draw! Pussy.
Look: I can start a fire a hundred ways, and can conjure spark from damp peat moss, but I prefer the traditional method my father taught me, and one which the other erstwhile firestarters appreciate, and cannot fault.
Gasoline. Two pints of 87 octane on a pyre of oak won't win you any style points, and ain't precisely Boy Scout Handbook, but you'll have their grudging respect for cutting to the frigging chase, egos are shelved, and you can get around to pitching the tents and cracking the Turkey. End of Primer One. Thank you.