December 9, 2003
ROADSIDE MEMORIALS
I'm sure I'll offend someone here, so please take my apology now. There won't be another one.
Roadside tributes are mawkish, macabre things to me. I'm sorry if you lost a child or sibling or friend in a nasty car accident, especially if a drunk driver did it. But go put some flowers on the gravesite. That is the proper place for tribute, not Blood Alley on Highway 80.
Number one, they're distracting, and could cause another accident. Two, they're eye pollution, becaue they turn to withered shit in short order. Three, now you've ruined my day, too. Feel better?
It's bad enough I have to pass that nasty bloodstain on the Julington Creek Bridge every morning where that motorbiker bit it a couple of weeks ago. If that were my family member I'd have my pressure washer and a very long hose down there, with some orange cones and a St. John's County sheriff's deputy.
And those crosses with Binky's name on them might offend our Muslim brethren, kufrs.
about six months ago, a couple of the dumber morons in my city decided to do some street racing. they managed to reach speeds of eighty miles an hour where the speed limit was 25 when one of them ran a stop sign and smashed into the drivers side of a van who was legally crossing an intersection. The 55 year old grandmother driving the van was killed instantly as were two of the occupants of the offending car, though not the driver, of course. The car hit the van so hard the battery from the car flew through the air and landed a block and a half further down the road.
Within an hour after the police cleaned the scene up, flowers and notes began to appear at the corner of the intersection where the crash occured. They werent for the poor, innocent woman who died because of the abject stupidity of a bunch of teenagers...they were for the idiots who died in the car that was racing. What a bunch of stupid motherfuckers.
You didnt offend me at all here. I agree with you with every fiber of my body.
Posted by: mr. helpful at December 9, 2003 9:14 PMWell said, Mr. Helpful.
Posted by: Jack Straw at December 9, 2003 10:09 PMGo driving in Greece (especially on the cliffs). Memorials are like shrines, lining the road like mailboxes...really, really spooky.
Posted by: Laura at December 10, 2003 2:20 AMLaura, I've often entertained the idea of becoming a flower vendor (like you see at the offramps of freeways) in the hills of Greece. I think you just gave me the incentive I needed.
Posted by: Anna at December 10, 2003 12:59 PMThe solution is simple. Make up hundreds of signs in the style of campaign yard signs. Cheap.
Posted thereon:
VEHICULAR DARWINISM RULESANOTHER ONE TOO STUPID TO DRIVE DIED RIGHT HERE
Pound those babies in at every tacky, overwrought, weatherbeaten testament to the law of the asphalt-jungle, and watch the hand-wringers deploy in brigade sized masses. *evil grin*
Jim
Sloop New Dawn
Galveston, TX
As the parent of two teenage drivers, I look upon those roadside memorials as an opportunity to deliver a lecture about risks and consequences. If they the victim was someone they knew, so much the better for increasing the the impact of the lesson.
Posted by: Suzette at December 10, 2003 9:59 PMSuzette, they used to show the films in Driver's Ed. Lanes of Death. Blood Alley. They know the drill. They don't need to see maudlin little roadside exhibitions. The downside outweighs the upside to me.
"Want to go to the cemetery and visit Little Bubba, Maw?"
"Naw, let's jes' go to Wal Mart and slow down by the killin' zone."
Posted by: Velociman at December 10, 2003 10:44 PMListen to "Plastic Flowers on the Highway" by the Drive By Truckers. It's on Southern Rock Opera, highly touted by Rankin' Rob.
Posted by: Jack Straw at December 15, 2003 12:01 AM