October 9, 2003
I AM A VICTIM OF INTOLERANCE
Of the lactose variety. Have been since college. I love milk, and All Things Milk, but that shit hates me. A shot of Half & Half in my coffee, no problem, mon. Twelve ounces of Starland Dairy's finest, though, and I'm powering Ariane rockets four hours later. Followed by, well, let your imagination run wild.
Fact is, lactose intolerance hits mostly black people. Which means I must have a nigger in the woodpile, somewhere. That doesn't bother me in the least. What bothers me is I got the brown eyes, and I would have preferred the Big Dick. Fortuna's Wheel spun cruel that day, by God.
I'm rambling, aren't I? Well, yes. So this afternoon on a whim a bought a medium frozen yoghurt downstairs. A little afternoon snack, you might say. I love ice cream and such, but I only eat it occasionally, in small quantities, due to my aforementioned affliction. I nailed that yoghurt, though, and now I'm shooting jets of methane that have drawn a crowd of hysterical eco-warriors outside my front door, brandishing pitchforks and butane lighters. They're like the vampire zombies in Last Man on Earth. Only I ain't Morgan. I'm M'organ. Short for Malodorous Organ. By ten o'clock I'll be staked out in the WC with the latest NR and the radio blaring for the sake of my children's tender ears. Crafting my ADA lawsuit.
Satan's Purgative. How stupid was I? I always think I'll outgrow it, since I grew into it. But it doesn't work that way, does it?
Aren't you glad I shared that with you? Maybe that's a new Embarrassing Question™ for Friday. "What's the most disgusting thing you can make your body do?"
LactAid...works wonders. You could probably even eat Ben & Jerry's.
Posted by: Dawn at October 9, 2003 8:29 PMThat wasn't a serious question,was it? Because I could tell you about the time...
Nah, you're too young to hear things like that.
So I'm told. But I'm too lazy/stupid/proud to get around to trying it. I grew believing I was built perfect. What a letdown.
Posted by: Kim at October 9, 2003 8:33 PMLeeAnn, I will phrase the question a little more delicately tomorrow night, and you can tell us ALL about it.
Posted by: Kim at October 9, 2003 8:34 PMglad you are back...love your writing...even when it is about gettin' the shits...thanks...
Posted by: Eric at October 9, 2003 8:43 PMWhat a question. For some of us it should be "What disgusting thing won't your Body do even when you try to stop it?"
Jack, in my current situation they are one in the same.
Posted by: Kim at October 9, 2003 9:27 PMI suffer from the simmilar affliction. I found that the more processed, the more I can eat. Cheese is cool, whereas ice cream or milk is very uncool.
Posted by: Dax Montana at October 9, 2003 10:41 PMI'm all over cheese. No problemo. And ice cream ain't bad. Frozen yoghurt? Raw milk? Anything with Cream of Whatever in it? Yow.
Posted by: Kim at October 9, 2003 10:44 PMCheck with a doc. Sounds more like an allergy than an intolerance.
Posted by: Da Goddess at October 10, 2003 3:26 AMMilk gives me migraines. I can handle cheese and ice cream (as long as I don't go too overboard with them), but milk is a big no-no!
Posted by: bogie at October 10, 2003 7:17 AMbeans beans good for your heart
the more you eat the more you fart
Oh, we're talking about milk, not beans. I always blamed beans, but you just helped me realize that they may not be the culprit.
I drink a lot of milk.
Want a hug?
hehe.
All you lactose-intolerant Caucasians didn't necessarily get that way by being blessed enough to be part black. :-P
Lots of Mediterranean types are that way also and even some other Europeans. So don't go checking "of the chocolate persuasion" on the 2010 census form.
BTW, Kim, glad you didn't leave.
Posted by: Juliette at October 10, 2003 11:14 PMThanks, Juliette. However, I'm invoking the "one drop" rule. Because I'm obviously many drops. And I want Everything That's Due Me. Starting with a refund on my college tuition. I just hope I don't have to pull it out in front of the provost. They may arrest me as a fraud.
Posted by: Kim at October 10, 2003 11:45 PMLOL...That on took me a second, but only a second.
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