Velociworld

THE OTHER SERGEANT CARTER

Larry Hovis died yesterday. You'll remember Larry as Sergeant Carter on Hogan's Heroes, but he was also a regular on Gomer Pyle and a writer for Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In. This is a shame, because I always liked Larry. Amiable and affable, he was always willing to subliminate himself to the Masters, like Bob Crane and Frank Sutton.

Let's peel the onion back, however. Did you notice where Hovis had been teaching for the last 12 years? Texas State University-San Marcos. Formerly Texas State Teachers' College at San Marcos. That's right. The alma mater of none other than Lyndon Baines Johnson. And who had the most to gain from the assassination of Jack Kennedy? And whose home state did the deal go down in? Look what else I found:



That's a picture of Hovis taken by a hidden camera in the Cuban Embassy in Mexico City in July of 1963. A sinister Hovis, claiming to be "Lee Oswald" of the New Orleans chapter of Fair Trade For Cuba, demanded to be allowed to defect to Cuba. He later left when he couldn't fill out the paperwork. Meanwhile the real Oswald was at his job in the Big Easy!

Now, I'm no conspiracy theorist, but if that doesn't scream Hovis = Grassy Knoll Gunman you're just being willfully blind! It's as plain as the nose on your face.

Hell, Rowan was probably the fucking bagman. Why else would you have a 10 year stint as a Vegas lounge act with a sadistic headcase like Dick Martin unless you were establishing a heavy-duty legend? Do you think Dan was chain-smoking those Pall Malls with the Cutty Sark shakes because he had the hots for Joanne Whorley? Sure, he was poking her. But he was poking Alan Sues, too. And the CIA knew it, and didn't care. It was part of his legend.

No, Dan was scared David Ferrie and Clay Shaw were coming after him, and for all he knew that "Uncle Al" ditty Sues kept singing was the trigger for a Manchurian Candidate assassin to take him out right there on stage.

The only thing I haven't figured out yet is where Edward Teller fit into all this. He was probably the sex bait for Ruby's bimbos.

So now that I've cleared that up, how about a tip of the hat to Larry "Magic Bullet" Hovis.