Velociworld

LILEKSMAN

Since Lileks has been having server difficulty I thought I'd give those of you jonesing for a Bleat another installment of the If Lileks Was Acidman parallel universe meme I started here. Let us be off...

Well, my crapshit server's been down for two days and I couldn't blog my Bloat, so I figured I'd post from here at Crackerwood. I told that girl to get my ass back up and running pronto, too. If she doesn't have me fixed soon I may have to give her an unscheduled polyp check with my bionic dick. When I can't blog, I can't connect with my flock of mindless sheep, and when I can't connect, I can't feel the love, and when I can't feel the love, I get fucking pissed!

So what have I been doing with no Bloat? Working on a new book. That Gallery of Regrettable Food did so well I thought I'd try a sequel. So keep your filthy-nailed Paypal fingers poised for The Gallery of Regrettable Shits. That's right. Whenever I make a bad meal decision I'm gonna photograph the output, and share it with you. You'll be treated to El Toro undercooked pork spray shits, Thai cat concrete ball shits, and Waffle House greaseball blood-flecked Transatlantic Pipeline shits. If my Gut Rumbled, you're gonna see it. Don't thank me. Buy the damned book.

Took Mosquito to see that zombie movie 28 Days Later.... Scared the mortal piss out of her. That's an object lesson, I told when she'd stopped crying. If you do everything an adult tells you to do your life's gonna be one big downer. Taught her to drink out of the crapper today, too, just like my dog Cracker. You know my feelings on this. The more E. coli and fecal coliform you ingest at a young age the tougher you'll be when you get older. Hell, she's going to be able to take power pulls out of a Tijuana sewer creek by the time she's eighteen, and pissing on some godless Windows user with the byproduct.

The BC finally got a job. Doesn't pay much but my fucking toenails look great! Red, too.

Well, I still have my paying work to do, so I'd better stop trolling for postcards of the Fargo landfill. I wanted to look for some more pictures of that chick with her drawers around her ankles, but I've got two columns to bang out. If I can get enough Absolut in the Giant Speedfreak and lock him in the basement with some cans of ether and a nailgun he'll do something insane, and that'll take care of one of them. Then maybe I'll go to the Savannah Mall and talk some gonorrheic chickenheads into shoplifting something for the other one. Bloat Out.