Velociworld

CATCH A FIRE

I'm not going to comment much on Jamaica, because most people have been there at some point, I think. Usually with the shitheel ex, right? For some reason everyone I know who went on a honeymoon to Jamaica is divorced now. Maybe it's the Jungle Fever engendered by seeing Spider tree-dive at Rick's. Who knows? Second honeymoons tend to opt for places like Vegas, where you can both go gamble in peace and leave each other alone, for fuck's sakes. Now that's a real working model, in my humble.

Happy to say, though, that 30 years of Ugly Americans hasn't changed Jamaica much. The locals are still lazy, amiable screwheads. Only now you go to all-inclusive resorts so you don't get butt-fucked by the locals too badly. We at least went the Sandals route instead of Beaches, 'cause we ditched the kids for this one. And the nudity was ample enough, although I did cruise next door to Hedonism II to see what the strap-ons, onanists, and pecker-swappers were up to. Not much. And I will say it was nice to be at a place where virtually every guy was assured of getting laid on a consistent basis, so there were no wolf-packs of hopelessly horny college cocksmen needing the sure swift kick in the ass I so desperately needed at that age.

But it ain't the same when you're so packaged. If you want to fuck around with the prostitutes (which The Bride did NOT want to do, for the record, but hey, that's only one vote) you can't go to Rick's. Alfred's is more to your liking. Steel fence to keep the scuzzier elements out. But you can go outside and play with them. I like that concept.

The biggest issue with Jamaica is the fact that it is not for people bothered by failure mode. A 51% success rate in any endeavor is perfect there. To wit:

"This regulator doesn't work!"

No problem, mon. You use dis one. The Lady and I will buddy-breathe.

"This fucking kayak has two holes in the bottom and sank!"

Ya mon. You too far out. I told you island off limits. You stay inside, no problem, mon. You go to island, problem, mon.

"I had two flats in this rental car and the nuts are cross-threaded and stripped!"

No problem, mon. I jes add price for two tires on your credit card.

"The rudder on this Hobie's busted!"

No problem, mon. Other rudder work fine. Jes stay on starboard tack, mon. Island off limits, mon.

So you learn early on No Problem doesn't mean you don't have a problem. It means he doesn't have a problem. You can be totally fucked.

And ya, the smoke knock yo dick in da dirt, mon. I'm going back for Christmas.