July 16, 2003
TELL ME YOUR DARKEST SECRET
The one you've spent years in therapy subsuming. The one you told your sister about and have regretted it ever since. You don't have to be at fault, maybe it's just a damned uncomfortable situation. Here, I'll make it easy and tell you mine first:
When I was at the Coast Guard Academy, your second summer you sailed the Eagle to Europe. We stopped in Bermuda on the way over. I got separated from my mates at the Forty Thieves Club, so I went to the bus station to get a lift from Hamilton back to St. George. The loading area was filled with about 1,000 blacks. I felt like James Meredith his first day at Ole Miss, without the FBI escort. After a couple of threats from some guys, who were certainly just messing with me, I accepted the offer of a motorbike ride back to St. George from a big guy in a business suit. About five miles from St. George he stopped at his house and grabbed us a beer. After taking a whiz in the can I came back into the room to witness him langorously stroking his soul pole.
When he casually mentioned I should join him I muttered something about getting some fresh air, stepped outside, and did my best Kip Keino back to the ship. I started to brain him with my beer bottle, but with my luck I would've killed Uncle Teddie, The Jovial Bermudan Pederast, Brother of the Mayor. You don't want that trial. You don't want your parents in a Commonwealth courtroom while you're explaining why you were at Uncle Teddie's in the first place ("Well, as an aficionado of Big Butt Magazine, I'd heard rumors of a very special collection..."). Your mind works fast in those situations, and mine regurgitated option 1: Run!
Oh, he followed me. Luckily there was a stone wall running down the side of the road, and when I'd hear his scooter coming I'd jump over the wall.
That's the short version. The long version will cost you $20 in crumpled, greasy dollar bills.
There. I told you mine. Now tell me yours. I want to tell everybody else know!
I have a pierced penis. Top that.
Not literally, of course.
Posted by: zombyboy at July 17, 2003 5:21 PM. It’s like years ago I was nosedivin in this bar one night and I snuck up on this hot little chick at the bar. It was far past my down time but of course I thought I was good to go and all that. I asked the chick if I could buy her a beer and she grinned and nodded yes then leered at me. When a women leer’s a cat needs to pay attention cause somethins not in the mix. But not me, I kept on grinning and buying, and what looked good got to lookin even better. I had a bunch of female friends hangin out and a couple of em pulled me into the corner and offered to go home with me if I would drop the chick and leave now. But I told em I was cool and to go away. Just a thought here, how drunk was I to turn two of my friends down? So I hung there getting me and the chick shitfaced. I didn’t find it at all odd that she didn’t talk much. She just grinned, rubbed up against me and slurred her words a lot. We made it to my house and drunkenly did the "deed that hath no name" then fell asleep. I woke up to find her staring at my phone number that I had given her earlier. “Nobodies ever given me their phone number before” What an odd thing to say I thought, then I realized she was still slurring her speech real bad. She can’t still be drunk can she? I asked her what she did for a living. “Nothin, the home takes care of me”. What home? “You know, the state home for the Mentally Handicapped downtown. OH MY GOD! I’ve just fucked a retard! The leer, the slurred speech, the female friends cockblockin, it all made sense. I had visions of the short bus circling the block lookin for her. I just knew that in Hell a corner was being swept clean with my name on it. And I couldn’t help but think that somewhere I had to be breakin some serious laws. I called her a cab and got her home. For the next couple of years every time I saw her around I covered her like the Mob. I musta shut down more guys’ from hittin on her. It had to be the guilt I was carrying around inside of me. Plus I was so sure that the Man was just waitin to bust me for what I’d done. Finally one day she walked up to me and said she was movin away to another state to live near her family. She wanted to thank me for being so nice to her and havin her back. Then she reached up and pulled my head down, kissed me on the cheek and whispered in my ear; “retards need love too”.
Posted by: Greg Beck at July 17, 2003 10:41 PMNot on your freakin' LIFE.
Posted by: Kevin Baker at July 17, 2003 11:12 PMKev- give it up, dammit. Greg - fucking Ada. THAT's a great story. I sense we're getting friction here...
Posted by: Kim at July 17, 2003 11:25 PMI'm a pure, chaste virgin with no skeletons in my closet, no dirty secrets.
I'm afraid I have nothing to offer.
Posted by: Da Goddess at July 18, 2003 2:00 AMDon't anybody stand near da Goddess. That lightening strike's gonna be a bitch.
Posted by: LightandDark at July 18, 2003 4:18 AMDamn Da Goddess, does this mean there are two of us...virgins, no skeletons,HA! ;-)
Posted by: Laura at July 18, 2003 6:32 AMI only did it twice that you can prove (their names are Kris & Kelly) and I'm sure you get your virginity back after not getting any for an unspecified period of time, so that makes three virgins, no skeletons, and for sure no stories I'd be willing to post on the net.
Posted by: Merry at July 18, 2003 9:20 AMNot really a deep dark secret, but I grew up with a Coastie- my dad. He did 26 years, retired as LCDR and now my brother is a BM on the Hudson. Not sure how I ended up in green. Great site, wonder what took me so long to find it?
Posted by: Sgt Hook at July 18, 2003 7:59 PMNo lightning strikes...only a little rain. Pppphhlllllllbbbbbbtttt! to Paul
Posted by: Da Goddess at July 19, 2003 3:36 AM