Velociworld

ALL THE RAGE

Rush hour traffic in a Northeast Florida rainstorm is always good for a blog from me. Harry Crews said his father once told him the fastest way to find out how sorry a man was was to put a suit and tie on him. The Velocicorollary: the fastest way to find out how sorry a person is is to put 'em behind the wheel in rush hour rain. Every prejudice and preconception I have about people is wrought in fine detail, like a hammered Currier and Ives on copper foil. Them Asian men shore drive slow, guddamit. Almost as slow as them Uk-rainians.

Of course, I insist on listening to NPR as well. You know I do. And unfortunately All Things Considered is the shiny strop on which I hone my road rage. I don't need road rage. Nobody does. You have to internalize it, which in my case is like John Hurt trying to keep that alien in his belly. If it gets bad enough, I may even pull into the liquor man before I get home. That's bad road rage, because it might even mean red liquor, like George Dickel sour mash (motto: put a little Dickel in your mouth). That's no good. Better to just suck air through your teeth and remind yourself Mort Kondracke is prettier than Mara Liasson, and move on.

But I didn't of course. Because it's not my style, and because Mort's actually not very pretty at all. So look at the business card I picked up at my local wine and spirits merchant:

CROWDER'S MEAT PROCESSING
CUSTOM SLAUGHTERING
USDA APPROVED
WE PROCESS COWS, HOGS, DEER, AND MORE

Now, I'm a go along, get along kind of guy, but this guy shares my telephone exchange, and those last 2 words bother me. If I'm going to patronize a self-avowed slaughterer, I want to know precisely and exactly what he's hacking into bloody piles. And how often he cleans his implements. AND MORE could be Fruit Cove slang for Texas Chain Saw Prime. Step around back, Zed, I got your lady fingers waitin'. Man, you ain't never had tripe till you had people tripe. Got a hint of sauerkraut to it.

Of course, he probably just means the lesser beasts here. Squirrels, coon, possum, voles. Which google led me here! And in my old Blogspot colors! It's those wheels within wheels, man. That was strange. I can't even finish this blog without my tinfoil hat. Back soon.