July 7, 2003
I TAKE THE PLUNGE
Since Emperor Misha and Steven Den Beste both straddled the transgender pony and whupped it like a rented mule I'll give a whack at Acidman's 25 questions for wimmen (in SDB's defense I'm not sure he knew; in Misha's case I merely shudder).
1. Do you have a personal hero? If so, who is it?
Ted Williams. For hating his fans worse than they hated him.
2. What is your favorite book of all time and what made it so fucking good?
Sanctuary, by Faulkner. Why? Rich sorority bitch gone wild; the rage of an impotent moonshiner; lascivious drunkenness; sodomy with a pistol; a boy immolated by his father; casual murder; eventual justice. Have I left off anything?
3. What does “diversity” mean to you?
My kids will get screwed at times just like I did. And I'll teach them to look at the fuckers and laugh, like I did.
4. What is the wildest thing you’ve ever done?
Toss up. Either Holy Matrimony or watching two guys fuck in Piedmont Park when I was walking my dog. It was the car-wreck thing, you see. Couldn't look away.
5. Do you regret doing it?
No to the first and kinda to the second.
6. Can you drive a stick shift?
Sho' now. Learned to drive at 13 in a 4 on the floor '65 Karmann Ghia.
7. What’s the highest speed you ever traveled in a car?
120, I think. Even when I closed an eye the speedometer still said 112200.
8. Were you driving, or riding at the time?
Driving. An Isuzu Impulse Turbo.
9. Which is better: snakes or spiders?
Spiders. I pay somebody to get rid of my spiders. My snakes I have to kill myself.
10. What is the most disgusting thing you ever ate?
Cockroach. A bet. Ten dollars. Five words I hope to never repeat again.
11. Have you ever shit your pants? Be HONEST!
Hasn't everyone? You mean in the last 24 hours?
12. Was losing your virginity an enjoyable experience?
Not really. But telling all our friends about it later sure was fun.
13. Should oral sex be outlawed or encouraged?
Mandated. Ptew!
14. Name one man with a fine ass.
Me, of course. Although I used to be able to crack walnuts with it; now I'm lucky to get a hairline fracture in a papershell pecan.
15. Do you watch golf on television? If not, will you iron my shirts?
All the time. Do you really need to iron tank tops?
16. Who is Martha Burk?
The new bootblack at Augusta National.
17. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Lose a couple of inches. Or buy a bigger jockstrap.
18. Do you eat raw oysters?
Only by the dozen. Appalachicola Selects work for me.
19. Are you claustrophobic?
Only when sealed in a 55-gallon drum, or at my in-laws'.
20. If you rode a motorcycle, would you wear a helmet even if the law said you didn‘t have to?
I wear a brain bucket when I ride my bicycle, for chrissakes. I live in the land of ancient peoples with RV's with 3 foot mirrors on the sides.
21. Name five great Presidents.
In order: TR, Reagan, Washington, Jefferson, Monroe.
22. Name three shitty Presidents.
Wilson, Carter, that fellow from Hot Springs with venereal disease.
23. Now call me fanny and slap my ass. Just kidding.
Lady Fanny from Omaha?
24. This is the 4th of July. Did you set off any fireworks?
$225 worth. Plus another $700 or so with my neighbors. We barely kept up with the pyrotechnic psychos across the pond.
25. If you could have dinner and conversation with anyone in the history of the planet, who would you choose?
Chuck Yeager. I need someone who speaks English.
I'm surprised cockroach didn't make Acidman's grossest answer winners for that question. That is truly disgusting. I would have barfed.
Posted by: sugarmama at July 8, 2003 12:15 PMI had no idea you were so interesting.
Posted by: Jack Straw at July 8, 2003 1:03 PM