June 24, 2003
LET'S, UM, ROLL
The prolific and always topical Venomous Kate addressed an article detailing how only 493 people signed a petition to return The Statue of Liberty to France. She couldn't believe there were 493 people stupid enough to sign it. Oh, girl, you don't work around my short-bussers colleagues. You could tape a quarter to the petition and they'd be signing up for sex-change treatments.
As to Lady Liberty, I have a better idea. I'd like to enlist an army of soldiers-of-fortune, spot-welders, and pipefitters to go to Paris and requisition the Eiffel Tower. Bring it to America. Jacksonville, for instance, is in dire need of a landmark tourist site of brilliant architectural splendor. And since City Council shot down my concept for a 300-foot Lynyrd Skynyrd Free Bird statue of a neckbone with a mullet I've been casting about for the perfect showcase for Super Bowl '05 (I don't do roman numerals). We'd have to paint it Jaguar teal, of course, for local flavor.