Velociworld

MOTHER'S LITTLE HELPER

I really don't want to bust Bob Keeshan's balls, but I distinctly recall Captain Kangaroo hawking Canada Dry products incessantly. Now, at the time CD made ginger ale, club soda, and tonic water. Period. Just what every growing sprite needs, right? Wrong. Those are cocktail mixers. Cap'n Roo was pushing Liquor Cutters to all the suburban-deadened, sex-deprived, my-kids-act-retarded, my-bridge-game-sucks, I'm-38-and-I've-missed-my-fucking-period, where-are-the-little-blue-pills, what-the-hell-happened-to-my-ass, my-husband-is-too-tired-to-fuck-me-because-he's-been-laying-the-pipe-to-his-slattern-secretary, dispossessed wimmen of the world. THAT'S the kind of marketing I sit in awe of.

And by the way, we all know Mr. Green Jeans was into hydroponics early on, and an unabashed glue-sniffer, but how the hell did The Captain presage that the Grateful Dead would be into Dancing Bears? Wheels within wheels, goddamit.